BEFORE-YOU-READ DISCLAIMER: I had something far better in mind, a more reflective/looking ahead write-up, for the first post of 2017 but I guess this is what came out instead. To help improve the post quality, two Friends clips start us off. You’re welcome.
Can we just all agree that showers are the best part of any day? I don’t know about you, but it isn’t just about getting clean – the supposed reason we shower, though I do love to be clean, and for others to be clean…so I guess a major part of it is about getting clean, but there’s so much more to it. Showers are the best. The star of the day. You’re the star of the shower, of the day. It’s a whole different world of self-celebrity status. It’s the best.
YOU’RE JERRY MAGUIRE WHEN YOU’RE IN THE SHOWER
For one, no one can bother you or talk back to you when you’re in the shower. Was your diva of a boss was a total jerk today? In the shower, you can play that conversation you had with him back in your head and re-write it the way it was supposed to happen, and then make sure Dorothy Boyd and Flipper come with you.
“Hey, where are we on this project? It needs to be done ASAP. I NEED IT RIGHT NOW!!!!! I’m in a meeting.” – DivaBoss, type-yelling at you on the intra-office chat system.
“I’ll get on it. Except that I won’t. Do it yourself. I quit.” – You, fully empowered to say stuff like that because DivaBoss has zero shower jurisdiction so you win every time.
YOU’RE TAYLOR SWIFT WHEN YOU’RE IN THE SHOWER
It doesn’t have to be Taylor Swift, though she and Carrie Underwood are my go-tos. Everyone knows you sound amazing in the shower, and that a shampoo bottle makes for a great mic. And hopefully, not through trial and error, everyone knows that the Dollar Shave Club razor (shout-out to those guys, they rock) does not make for a great mic.
Perhaps a few bars of Let It Go would be something to belt out after you process your Jerry Maguire outburst and need to heal so once you get out of the shower, and head to work, you can keep it together. But once the work-emotional healing takes place, the bad breakup in-your-face stuff starts to get real.
“I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive.” – You as Carrie, Carrie as you. You’re one in the same.
Now, I love singing about going all crazy chick on the horrible humans (horrible men, but that doesn’t have a fun alliterative ring to it) that have ever shattered my heart but I am too sweet. It sucks, but its true, and I imagine others have this same problem. But when it’s shower power hour, taking Louisville Sluggers to tail lights, belting Mean at The GRAMMYs, and staging the best Elsa moment ever to grace shared-wall apartment dwellers’s ears, your tale is told at the top of your lungs.
YOU’RE THE RALLY MONKEY WHEN YOU’RE IN THE SHOWER
I get that a monkey might not be the best living creature to pretend you are, but what kind of awesome job would it be – in fantasy dreamland, mind you, as an escape from the job you’re actually headed into – to be an adorable little spider monkey, or whatever Ross’ monkey Marcel was from Friends and whatever monkey it is that cheers for my Anaheim Angels (excuse me, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – that’s a different story for a different day, if I cared about baseball enough to write more than this about it, which I don’t but support those who do) and get paid bazillions of dollars to bang rally sticks together while a jumbotron rapidly zooms in and out on you to get a stadium of fans to scream and do the wave, and bang giant plastic, air-filled noisemakers together?
When the shampoo and conditioner bottles that have been used to emulate both a microphone and a baseball bat are low – I hate buying these hair products because I like the good stuff and so I make sure to get every last ounce out of my jumbo salon quality purchases (shoutout to Matrix) – and you gotta get those last few drops out, banging together the near-empty bottles is an awesome way to both rally that shower spirit (let’s make some noise!) and as an added, functional bonus, have the goods required to clean hair. And as you shake it out of the bottle, a little “Shake it off!”, and a shower variation to that, is completely acceptable.
“My shampoo, gotta work this ‘do, I’m like oh my God, I’m just gonna shake it. Shake it out, shake it out!”
YOU’RE YOU WHEN YOU’RE IN THE SHOWER
But when its over, reality strikes. If you have a hard time letting go of the make-believe world – and the creators of hot water heater swere privy to the draw of a good, steamy shower when they made hot water heaters as they equipped them with a reality check setting to guarantee that you will not get lost in what I compare to the Lotus Casino – a location depicted in the Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief (I saw the movie once, it stuck with me forever, apparently) where Percy and his peeps eat lotus flowers, thus causing a loss of sense of time, and everything is magical, and they forget the point of why they even went there in the first place – the cold water will start making its way through the shower head to bring you back to terms to help remind you of your mission: to shower.
To steal from Ellen DeGeneres, you get out and tiptoe to the towel that you accidentally left across the room, as if this is somehow going to help not get water everywhere. You stick the Q-tip way to far into your ear and scream a teensie bit even though it was just more uncomfortable than it was actually painful but the dramatic high you’re coming off of still has a slight hold on you, and no matter who you are, you’re just you, and you exit the shower to go about your day.
“For instance, no matter what your politics are, we all have that feeling of stepping out of the shower and realizing you left the towel completely across the bathroom. And you have to do that shimmy on the bathmat all the way across where you try to get the minimal amount of water trying to tip toe like, ‘just that one drop of water will be there if I do it that way…” – Ellen DeGeneres
YOU’RE ELLEN DEGENERES IN THE SHOWER
Tonight’s shower is the reason this blog entry exists. You see, all of the above occurred. It went kind of like this:
“You know, screw you! And I’m a good Christian girl and shouldn’t say things like that, and don’t say stuff like that, to people, so if I’m saying it, you know I mean it. This project isn’t urgent, you just like to make stuff up as a way of asserting power over me so I can remember who the boss is. Forget this, you’re not the boss of me. I’m the boss of me. I quit.” – Me, to a DivaBoss-type, in an epic Jerry Maguire winning, life-changing moment.
Soon after there was resolve with this, a song emerged from within.
“Let it go, let it go! I don’t the words to this song. Let it go, let it go! This is a good song-n-key for my range. Here I stand, singing words…let the words go on! The cold never bothered me anyway.” – Me, as the shower turned from burning hot to soon-to-get-cold-so-hurry-up-and-shampoo-already temperature.
Then, the banging of my shampoo and conditioner bottles began because every last drop must be used.
“We will, we will, ROCK YOU!” – Me, in my head, while I pretended I was at an Angels game cheering for the players, beer and hot dog in hand, as I banged my noisemakers (I only really go to baseball games for eating, drinking, and the cute rally monkey giveaways.).
And, as I smacked the bottle against the palm of my hand to get a dollop of conditioner, Taylor made her appearance.
“Shake it out, shake it out!” – Me, as Taylor Swift, yet again, for the millionth shower performance.
I did also ponder taking a stand-up course at the local comedy club, at which moment I realized that maybe a bit on showers would go over well. I then channeled my inner Ellen DeGeneres until the cold water started to make its presence known across my back as I just stood there pretending to be on the ever-amazing Ellen’s show to discuss the mind-boggling viral YouTube video of me, a novice stand-up comedian from Nashville, the overnight success I had become, and what it meant for my future.
For now, I will stick with blogging, be it about showers or whatever else tickles my fancy, and will see how that pans out.