Today sucked. Thursdays aren’t supposed to suck. To me, Thursdays are a sacred holiday: Friday Eve. It’s a holiday that takes place every single week, and every Thursday morning around 9am, I pour my coffee, sit it slowly, and dream of the upcoming magical weekend. Nothing too bad can happen on a Thursday because the next day has a take-it-easy feel so the worst (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday) is left behind and only good things lie ahead.
Maybe it’s the type of coffee I bought last time I went to my new favorite, local craft roastery, Eighth & Roast? Should I have opted for the specialty house blend, not the Ethiopia Yirgacheffe? Whatever it was, it was a bitter, unpleasant cup of Thursday that I never want to pour again.
You can live thousands of miles away – happily working alone, from home – and be far away from one particular colleague that makes it near-impossible to bear life and they can still throw wrenches in your daily flow. Beyond just the derailing of productivity and mislabeled “urgent” projects on their end, there is a despairing emotional aspect – the most powerful, inarticulable aspect – that can take a Friday Eve and turn it into a plain ol’ horrid Thursday. How is it that some people have a sense of when you are most vulnerable, even if you haven’t interacted with them to read your current emotional state, and can pounce, claws and all, and maul your logical, orderly, confident little self, and render you shaky, frozen, and scared? Sparing the specific details, that is how work felt today. I’m scratched up, my heart has been racing long after the workday, and I can’t wait to fall asleep and do it all over again tomorrow…not.
After being pummeled into the ground at the most inopportune times throughout the workday, the only silver lining that kept me together was the fact that I was registered for my 6:30pm CrossFit class. Last week, I missed my class because I hopped on the freeway a little too late and traffic won that day. So today, I needed to guarantee that I would be able to take out my angst and anger out on a barbell by cranking out some snatches and power cleans. Did the wrench-thrower from work also have powers to control the traffic? It certainly felt that way. Upon pulling onto the freeway, after giving myself 30 minutes to cover a normal 14-minute drive, I hit the worst traffic I have yet to see since moving to Nashville. It took an hour to reach the point where I could see the exit I would normally take to get to the gym. I guess my dreams of being Mellie Nashvillesdottir will continue to be on hold for that much longer.
Not being able to get to the one place i wanted to be more than anywhere in the world, I devised an alternative evening plan. There was no way I was going to spend that hour chunk of time to drive toward the city only to crawl back in the same traffic for at least another hour to get back home. In need of some pants, I hit up Gap – my go-to for pants I know will fit – and I couldn’t find a flattering pair to save my life. I ventured to Gap’s younger sibling Old Navy – a 20-minute drive from Gap (why?!) – and sorted through piles of unorderly heaps to dig out my sizes and tried on 47 pairs of pants before finding one pair that kinda work for the look I am looking to achieve for an event this weekend. I’m just happy I found a size 2 that worked…I was deathly afraid that in my lack of gym attendance, I was a 6, not the 4 I believed I was (and am).
Why are there so few street lights in this city? If you want to look at stars, and don’t want to see the scary-ass spiders that are crawling the earth all around you, I suppose this is a nice thing. When you’re lost, unfamiliar with the roads, and are a single female living here alone, the lack of lighting can conjure feelings of fear, confusion, and I-could-be-break-down-and-get-murdered-and-driversby-would-never-even-know-it irrationalities. And how is it, that even after being in Nashville for a couple months, and while using GPS, that getting lost and taking wrong turns are still problems?
Why does the shower hot water run out after only 10 minutes when I want to take a 30-minute mental break while my back is scalded and my leave-in conditioner gets its chance to stay on my head for more than a second? Why have I been practicing guitar for weeks and my chords still buzz and I can’t play an F chord to save my life? Why hasn’t the weather been cool enough to allow me to wear sweaters and pants yet? Why have responses to genuine texts to my friends invite the same generic, “We miss you!” generic bullshit response that is obviously code for, “We’re only proximity friends and you’re too far away and this is all I know how to say because I don’t do well with confronting myself and being an authentic communicator”, a far-worse response than just not saying anything at all?Why have my favorite go-to shows been removed from Netflix and Hulu?Why does it feel like everything is falling apart? Why did I move to Nashville? Why am I doing this? Why is this my life? Why? Why?!
I need a hug.