Gallatin. Gallatin is a road I’d been on before when headed out for a delicious sandwich, burger, cocktail, and basically else anything epic I had tried on many occasions out that way since arriving in Nashville. So, when I saw that the guy I matched with on one of them dating apps lived in Gallatin, I figured he was from that same neck of the woods. There’s 12 South, Downtown, East Nashville, Woodbine, The Gulch, Germantown, Hillsboro Village…I incorrectly assumed Gallatin was a neighborhood just east of East Nashville. I guess that’s what I get for not consulting the handy Nashville Guru to validate this assumption.
Gallatin is technically east of East of Nashville. By like a billion miles. It’s not in Nashville, it is its own town. I now already wasn’t sure this match was a good idea. If things did go well, I would soon be the girl from Poughkeepsie.
His profile said he was into activities like dancing, hiking, sports, and in the “what are you looking for” area, he mentioned he’d like a girl who would be into working out together. We talked about the idea of going on hikes to all the beautiful waterfalls in the area. Given that I love CrossFit and like being active, and figured that perhaps this guy could be my swolemate, so I figured the 40-minute driving distance between us (assuming no traffic) might be worth it.
He asked me out, so I said yes. I had very little to lose at this point and appreciated encountering a not-a-penpal match. He was going to take me out for my first hot chicken experience. Hot chicken is a huge deal in Nashville so I thought it would be a fun date, or at the very least, I could cross a rite-of-passage culinary outing off my to-do list.
The way the actual date-date was confirmed was a little wonky, and I was on the fence about going through with it at all. Long story short (or at least less long), I drove up in traffic – it took me a shade under an hour to get there – to meet him in God-forsaken Gallatin for a 7:15pm date at an alternate not-a-hot-chicken restaurant (the place he wanted to take me closed so he picked some pizza place instead), right after he got off of work. Work delayed him until 8pm. So, I sat in my car in front of the restaurant as I heavily considered skipping out entirely.
When a guy asks you out on a first date and takes you to what seems like a slight step above a Shakey’s Pizza to make his first impression, flee the scene! Don’t be like me! I took in the screaming children, the poorly-kept entryway, the can’t-even-start-to-describe characters that entered and exited during my wait. I was starving by the time my ungallantly Gallatin guy, or UGG as I will now use, arrived on the scene. We picked out a pizza to share: Pretty Fly for a White Pie. He gave me a hug and started to go on about his day at work.
He ordered and paid for this pizza for two (points to him for that, I appreciated this), we sat down, and he continued to talk, and talk and talk and talk and talk.
“So, you’ve only been in this position for a month. How do you like your new job, aside from everything you just shared?” – Me, trying to steer things in a positive direction.
He took this opportunity to tell me about all the previous jobs he has ever had, IN DETAIL, and all the drama he ever faced.
“And then she was like…and that just didn’t jive with my ethical code…and then the manager was all…and the customers loved me…and then…right?…and I showed them the text messages…and I was the best employee there…and then the other girl…” – UGG, oblivious to my boredom and glazed-over eyes
Sprinkled into the rants on previous employers were multiple references to the glorification of inactivity and excessive eating.
“I’m just a fatty.” – UGG, at least every seven minutes
Without much elaboration here, I found this extremely annoying. I also found him to be the complete opposite to everything he had written in his profile. Not that any of his current interests were necessarily bad, but he was not representing in the flesh what he portrayed online (or maybe I was just half-asleep when I swiped right, which is highly possible). There is someone who likely shares his interests and passions but that someone is not me. And had I used a better screening process, maybe I could have saved some time and gas money so as to help us both in that pursuit of our significant other.
How did I get duped by such false advertising? I felt like I was on a date with an alternate universe Andy Dwyer, but when this creature was created, all the can’t-help-but-love-this-guy pieces were left out and poor UGG was constructed instead with the opposite can-barely-stand-this-guy parts. What a tragedy.
“Emissions laws are so unfair. Just because Gallatin’s county touches the county that Nashville is in, we have to follow the emissions laws. The next county over, any clunker will do! I mean, come on!” – UGG
Ugh. Just when I thought the conversation (if you can call it a conversation, I was being talked at, not to) couldn’t get any worse. I just finished at the DMV last week and now I find myself back on the emissions topic? I now pondered to myself on which was worse: sitting here on this date or standing in line at the DMV on a rainy Monday morning.
I snuck away to take a quick WTF selfie to share with my solid ten-person Snapchat fan base. I needed this external outlet as a way of documenting that this was in fact happening. This was real life.
“Do you need to head back soon or do you have some time?” – UGG, somehow getting a feel that this date may have a chance of continuing on for more than an thirty minutes.
Yeah I need to get back.” – Me, now processing that it took me more time to get here than the time it took to actually have this date, and yet the date itself felt infinitely longer than the drive it took to get to it.
I thanked UGG for his company, the meal, and then used the “I’m so cold” excuse to run to my car and speed away.
It took me about an hour and a half to get back because my GPS system had some inaccuracies. That’s how sucky Gallatin is, not even Google Maps cares to know how to get around in that town because no one should ever go there. I mean, it is possible Gallatin is a great city. The pizza was pretty good, so maybe the rest of Gallatin is pretty good too? Unfortunately for Gallatin and me, I’ll never know because I don’t plan on ever going back.
Lesson learned: adjust the radius circle on my dating app preferences page to stick within the city limits.